Rooti Tooti Fresh 'N Fruity

Recently I've been on a "free things" kick. Actually, who am I kidding. I've always been in love with free things. But recently I've been deliberately seeking out free things. I feel like I'm back in college again on the starving student diet. It's a bit pathetic, but what can I say, the temp's life is one of constant begging for free things.

Anyway. I joined a bunch of birthday clubs (all the ones that give you free things on your birthday, anyway) and several of them gave me free things just for joining. The only problem is, some of them make you buy something (like Arby's--free roast beef sandwich with the purchase of a drink, which means it's not really free, and not really worth the 15 minute drive to the closest Arby's...I found this out a little too late, unfortunately). And a lot of them don't even save you that much money.

Which is why I was so excited when I saw IHOP's thanks-for-joining-our-birthday-club-so-we-can-spam-you-with-lots-of-emails offer. A completely free "Rooti Tooti Fresh 'N Fruity," which translates into 2 slices of bacon, 2 sausages, 2 eggs, and 2 pancakes. Completely free!

Naturally I was going to cash in on this deal, even though I already went to IHOP earlier this week for their free pancakes day. (Which brings the total number of trips I've made to IHOP in the last three years up to...2.) And since my coupon expired today, I decided it was breakfast for dinner and went to the IHOP down the street. As I pulled out my phone and asked if they honored the free "Rooti Tooti Fresh 'N Fruity" deal, a pained look crossed the cashier's face. "We only accept paper copies of the coupon," she explained, crushing my hopes to save a tree by not printing out the email. "But I think the BestBuy across the parking lot has printing," she suggested. So I walked across the parking lot. And surprise! BestBuy does not have printing. But Staples was just a few stores down, so I went there to check. And what luck! What joy! They did have a printing station, and printing was only 11 cents. And I could even email them the file, so I didn't have to pay for computer use.

I promptly emailed them the coupon from my phone, overjoyed that this free dinner was only going to cost me 11 cents. But unfortunately after 15 minutes of trying (the woman next to me got involved too, but did little more than accidentally archive the email after messing with my phone for several minutes), their computer still couldn't read the email I sent, so I had to use the pay-per-minute computer. It was only 30 cents a minute, so I thought, "Well, I guess 41 cents is still a pretty good deal for a meal!" and sped through the printing process. I was startled when the final bill came up to $1.06 when it was only 2 pages, and rechecking to make sure I had sent it to the right printer cost me another minute. Irritated, I printed the pages, logged off, and then asked the checker how much printing from the computers was. "It's 48 cents," he said.

"Oh, it's not 11 cents?"

"Nope."

Irritated not only by the extra charges but also by his nonchalant attitude about the price that was 4x more expensive than what he had told me, I said, "Oh. I thought it was 11 cents. I wouldn't have printed if I knew it was that much more."

"It's not that much money," he said, giving me a look that said "Dollars are the new pennies, lady."

"IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER THAT COUNTS!" I wanted to shout at him, but instead I politely but firmly said, "Well, I wouldn't have printed if I had known how much it would cost" and turned and left before I started shouting. As I was leaving I looked down at the coupon I had just printed and my heart sank. Right in the middle of the coupon was printed, "! This coupon has been viewed too many times."

What? After all that money they were just going to invalidate my coupon? I should have just gone home then but I'd already spent $2 on this free meal. I was committed. So I walked back to IHOP and gave them the coupon. "Will you still honor this?" I asked the same girl who had refused my phone coupon before. "When I went over to print it I had to pull it up several times...and nowhere on the coupon does it say it can only be viewed a limited number of times..."

Well thankfully her manager honored it, so I got my free meal. But of course the offer was for dine-in only, and I didn't have any cash with me, and I would feel like a complete jerk if I left without leaving a tip. So I had to buy something so I could pay with my credit card. I spent several minutes finding the cheapest thing on the menu, and finally decided upon the chocolate milk--2.09 for regular and 2.39 for large. "Can I have the regular chocolate milk?" I asked my waitress, making sure to emphasize that I wanted the regular. I didn't want to spent more than I had to, just so I could leave a tip.

And you know what, y'all? IHOP is expensive! Just how much does it cost to make pancakes and eggs? The Rooti Tooti Fresh 'N Fruity is normally $7.99! The cheapest item on the menu is actually buttered toast--no jam on that sucker, and it still costs $1.89! And I wouldn't exactly classify IHOP as fine dining, either.

Anyway. I ate my meal (the only loner in the restaurant...it felt like everyone was staring at me eating by myself until a guy in his 20s walked in and sat at a table by himself, jammin out to some serious tunes on his ipod...which made me feel much more normal as a loner!) but when it came time to pay, I was surprised by the $2.39 bill for a large chocolate milk. "Didn't I get the regular chocolate milk?" I asked the waitress. "Oh yeah, we don't have regular. We only have large." What?! Why was this not mentioned to me when I specifically requested regular, even pointing at the "regular" price?

So yeah. Even though I tried my hardest to get a free meal, I still paid more than $6. For a "free" meal. I guess all of that trouble was worth saving $2?